ive been through so much trauma & heartbreak that when i came out of my depression/anxiety phase in life i became emotionless. I used to be emotional, now 97% of the time im not. Things that would make most people cry doesnt affect me, i just stare. Eyes of a snake; never blink, never cry. because when something disappointing happens in my mind it doesnt surprise me ....cold part about it all is that i dont make a conscience effort to be this way. i really feel emotionless. i cant cry or smile anymore. i do smile ...in public. but its a facade, inside i feel empty. I Know who i am as a person. I know i love people who i am supposed to love but i dont know how feelings feel anymore, how to love. Alot of people brag about how much they dont give a fuck. when they really do....its not normal and theres nothing cool about it. Ive been on defense for so long that at this moment this is all i know. its even affected my social and personal life. I feel like nothing good remains good or last forever. Id rather be alone. ...At the end of the day before i sleep, this is how i really feel and i feel sad because of it. i feel like i've lost apart of myself. i feel defeated, broken, not normal sometimes because of it. Fact that i let things ive been through affect me this much against my own will. i feel weak in a way but at the same time i feel strong that i have this much power & control over my emotions now...because of it. Theres good and bad in everything. rather you wear your heart on your sleeve or rather your heart is as cold as the coldest winter ever. So i might as well do what keeps me sane...thats what i used to think.
im so focused on protecting myself when i am infact ruining myself. i feel like my soul lost its purpose sometimes.