Saturday, April 14, 2012


ive been through so much trauma & heartbreak that when i came out of my depression/anxiety phase in life i became emotionless. I used to be emotional, now 97% of the time im not. Things that would make most people cry doesnt affect me, i just stare. Eyes of a snake; never blink, never cry. because when something disappointing happens in my mind it doesnt surprise me ....cold part about it all is that i dont make a conscience effort to be this way. i really feel emotionless. i cant cry or smile anymore. i do smile public. but its a facade, inside i feel empty. I Know who i am as a person. I know i love people who i am supposed to love but i dont know how feelings feel anymore, how to love. Alot of people brag about how much they dont give a fuck. when they really do....its not normal and theres nothing cool about it. Ive been on defense for so long that at this moment this is all i know. its even affected my social and personal life. I feel like nothing good remains good or last forever. Id rather be alone. ...At the end of the day before i sleep, this is how i really feel and i feel sad because of it. i feel like i've lost apart of myself. i feel defeated, broken, not normal sometimes because of it. Fact that i let things ive been through affect me this much against my own will. i feel weak in a way but at the same time i feel strong that i have this much power & control over my emotions now...because of it. Theres good and bad in everything. rather you wear your heart on your sleeve or rather your heart is as cold as the coldest winter ever. So i might as well do what keeps me sane...thats what i used to think.
im so focused on protecting myself when i am infact ruining myself. i feel like my soul lost its purpose sometimes.

Friday, April 6, 2012

All is ask

a chef in the kitchen,
a pornstar in bed,
a shoulder to cry on,
someone to rely on,
im every woman in one,
what you need & then some.
there with you at rock bottom,
summer, spring, winter, autumn,
i never said i'll never leave,
but id hate to be a lost one,

So appreciate me. forever.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Love is a losing game.

its hard to be both mentally strong and emotionally open at the same time.
Id rather dodge the pain & deprive myself of the blessings i couldve had
than live another day feeling the way i did back then when i thought we had something,
I smile alot now although the smiles sometimes arent genuine
but its better than pretending to be strong when im really dying inside.
ironically it all sounds the same. but its not. or atleast it doesnt feel like it, most of the time.
I do know that i dont cry anymore. Even if im sad. i dont kow if thats a good thing or a bad thing.
I think ive shut myself off and down away from my emotions so far to the point where i lose touch with it. I dont understand it. Things that would normally make anyone cry. Does not make me cry.
i know i didnt deserve it.
they know i didnt deserve it.
I know all of you arent all the same.
but i will never forget the fact that i cried for 3 years while he dogged me when i didnt deserve it.
i was a good girl. i still am a good girl, same intentions, no skeletons.
but with the mind frame of a woman now.
I look at lifes lessons as the forbidden fruit. Because once you learn from them they are a blessing and a curse at the same time. Pain corrupts your spirit and the way you view the world and the men in it. forever... its no longer innocent.
and so i find myself Feeling like i have to be in control although i truely dont want to because i truely feel like guys dont know what to do with the control when you give it to them.
 i dont ask for much but; respect, appreciation, and happiness? are three things i cannot compromise.
I want you to have control, but i want you to appreciate it. dont make any selfish decisions. just show me you love me. show me i am appreciated. I havnt given up on men but im convinced that something that is so simple is so impossible to find.
- experience.

In my glasses

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Make up

People always act surprised when they see me without make up on like it cant be possible that i wear make up and i look beautiful without it as well. people who have seen me without make up always ask me "why do you wear make up you dont need it." As if i wore it because i felt like it was needed or like thats why all women wear it. Make up to a woman is like, what a snapback is to a guy, i could assume that you wear snapbacks all the time because you probably have a big ass forehead. And in some cases that may be true. But thats unrealistic to make a statement like that and really believe that all men who wear hats must have big ass foreheads. Maybe you wear a snapback because it compliments your look...

Then i get the "and its bad for your skin" nonsense/ but its something that i choose to do. its not a necessity its an option. women wear make up, ugly or gorgeous. its here to stay. if youre a girls girl like me its a part of who you are in a sense that when i step out im one of those girls that likes to be on point from head to toe. when i get home, dress down, & throw my hair up i still feel and look beautiful. i still look like raychiel. to me thats all that matters. Now if you look like halle berry with make up on and barry bonds with it off................................................thats a different story.

no make up, in the 2nd one im wearing eyeliner but that is all.

Ninja turtle tee $3 sale at hot topic

In My Scrubs


followers have been requesting a picture of me in my scrubs for a whileeee now but lately ive been doing videos and gifs of everything so here you go finally.